Canine Hospitality
by ernestgoestocamp
Summary: "How did I get myself into this? First, I was doing was drinking in a bar, and the next thing I know I'm a dog...well...not really."


How did I get myself to where I am now?

It seems that time goes by too quickly that we lose track of what goes on in our everyday lives. It's as if each day was like a broken record, seemingly doomed to repeat the same cycle over and over again. Nothing seemed too interesting anymore for me to care about anything other than a fat paycheck. Not even my own family, whom I loved with all my heart and soul, was a part of my life anymore. I was alone now, except for my best friend: Canadian VO.

Yes, I drank. So what? Everybody has their own fair share of drinking from time to time; well actually…I drink all the time now that I think about it. I usually solved my problems by drinking myself to sleep, and then I would wake up the next morning with an even bigger problem. I wonder to myself how I ended up on a dirty bed with lipstick smeared on my lips, my clothes on the floor and the worst possible hangover I've had in days. I can't help but chuckle when the realization sets in. This was my highlight, a drunken middle-aged man who's lost all but his pride in drinking.

I think the worst part about all of this was: I knew what I was doing, so I considered heavy drinking to be my punishment for what I did to my daughter. I could never forgive myself for hurting her so much, I decided to leave and live on my own till the day I died. It seemed like yesterday when it happened, the scene replays in my head whenever I see a four-legged freak pass by the pavement…

I think we're getting off topic…

Los Angeles.

I hate this city and yet I am drawn to it somehow. Why…it's because of the nightlife I guess…there's not really anywhere else to go to anyway. Sometimes, I wish I could take all my money and give a toast to Vegas Vic and tell him how much I hated that dumb expression on his face.

Las Vegas was a possibility...

I loved to gamble, it was a hobby of mine. Me and many others thought gambling was about putting your faith into money, and I LOVED money. Money meant I could buy more whiskey and enjoy myself in an afternoon drive with wonderlands finest Yellow submarine while I turn on the radio and listen to nostalgic jams by Jefferson Airplane.

Las Vegas seemed like a great place to go to…but there was one slight problem…I died last night.

Death by respiratory failure: the result of too much alcohol consumption.

How did it look like on the other side? It was like that one scene from Space Odyssey. It was not easy to look at; I was actually blinded by the tremendous temporal resolution that this tunnel had to offer to me. Was I going to hell? I sure hoped so…I was finally being punished for hurting my daughter.

Where was I now? I didn't really know…it seemed like I was still on earth…not hell…or maybe I was…

Bark!

My mind jumped, as trippy as that sounded.

I tried to look around to see where the source of the barking came from, but for some reason my movements were being controlled by somebody else. So I decided that if I moved my eyes around that would be a possible solution to this mess…nope.

"What's going on…?"

I would call this the most random trip I've ever had, the only problem was…I don't recall taking acid. However, this was a common symptom…so what if…

"Thomas." A voice called out. I was awoken from my stupor; once again I was unable to maneuver my body. Everything was moving on its own, which was scaring the shit out of me. The voice was soft, yet a slight hint of demand in her voice.

"How do you know my name lady, are you one of those gals whom I paid before?"

"I am your Soul Keeper." I chuckled, "With that voice of yours, I can't imagine why you're not."

I heard a sigh from my response, "Unfortunately, I had to hear that same line of yours for four decades. It's not nice you know. A human can become insane after hearing it over and over again." She said calmly.

"You know I find role-play Kin..ky…" I stopped. She stood in front of me, she was not transparent like a ghost but she had a mist that was emitting from all over her body. She had a white glow, but surprisingly wore very attractive clothing and held some kind of staff that had some kind of symbol on it. She had an impeccable body design; she was easily the most attractive woman I had ever seen in my life. However, her face was like a mannequin...no emotional expression whatsoever. She did have a face, but it was frozen all the time like a Barbie doll. This is where confusion began to set in.

"Is it Halloween already?"

"It's not yet unfortunately."

"Then why are you dressed like that? You know what, keep your clothes on for now. So what's your name?"

"I am your Soul Keeper." She said once again, but this time with slight aggravation.

"Can we just get to the foreplay?"

"No."

"Why not!?"

"Will you just tell this moron what happened already!? Every time he asks a question, I lose a brain cell!" A voice came out of nowhere.

"Who's there?"

"Let him do what he pleases, I have an eternity to explain everything to him."

"Well I don't! I got 5 years left to live, give or take and I'm not going to waste those years listening to an idiot whose only interest is asking stupid questions and uses desperate vocabulary to try and take girls home with him!"

His voice appeared to be next to me or something around there. With the no mobility thing, it was hard to determine where exactly it was coming from.

"Where the hell are you?"

The lady crouched towards me…

"Listen Thomas, you are no longer in your body. You have died as a result of your nearly impeccable misjudgments. This is your punishment: to walk the earth with no control of anything but your mind. However, you are not alone."

Suddenly, a bright flash temporarily blurred my vision. When the blinding light subsided, the woman was brandishing a large mirror towards me. A German shepherd was staring back at me.

"This is a joke right? I am on acid…right?" My questions began getting more and more limited. It was hard to believe what was going on, and it was because the dog staring back at me was just any ordinary dog. The German shepherd moved toward the mirror, I was not in control whatsoever.

"My benefactors have instructed me to give you a second chance. They feel as though you have some unfinished business to finish here on earth…"

The German shepherd had noticeable scars on its body, but the rest of its mass had large quantities of fur that was a mix of brown, beige, and black. Its right eye appeared to be completely covered in a white fog; he was blind in the right eye…quite a hard sight to see. That was sarcasm.

"And to ensure that you will not take advantage of your new host, you have only been given your mind and nothing else. You must both work together in order to succeed in your goals that I will assign to you momentarily."

…

…

"Thomas, you are not listening." The Soul Keeper said silently.

"How am I supposed to believe this is all happening right now? Maybe I'm dreaming all of this, or maybe I've finally gone insane and I'm in the nearest asylum wearing a bound jacket, or maybe even…"

"You don't have to believe anything that is happening, just because you say it's not going on does not mean it's not."

My brain was on overdrive, unable to comprehend the events shown to me. It was like the television show: Lost…nothing made sense here!

"If you are uncomfortable about this, we can wait for you to speak to us later." She said.

"Of all the things I could have been stuck with, it had to be an idiot, the dumbest human I've ever heard from in my life!"

"Be nice Bacardi."

"Nice? This is worse than death! It's pure torture…five minutes in and I already want a terminal illness to kill me!"

"Okay…let's say that you're telling the truth, and I'm not crazy or high. Let's say everything that is happening right now is real, so why the fuck am I a dog and how can I communicate with you guys!? I fucking hate dogs!"

"You are not a dog..."

Sorry…let's backtrack for a second.

I hate dogs; I've hated them since I was a small child. My father got me one for my eleventh birthday in the spring of 1973 and needless to say it did not end well. The Labrador almost bit my arm off for god's sake! Now I see every dog as the genetic descendant of Satan himself. Every street dog I see, I tend to throw my empty bottle at. Irony bit me in the ass later on when…

"Thomas, you are drifting off again." My Soul Keeper spoke, she was obviously agitated once again.

"I'm sorry, say again."

"By technically becoming the very thing you've hated all your life, you will learn to respect all of those around you."

"That still does not explain…"

"You are able to telepathically communicate with me and your new companion, Bacardi...no one else."

"I don't want this." I simply retorted, "Give me another punishment please…anything; I will not do whatever it is that you want me to do unless you give me something else."

"I could always send your ass to fry in hell, if that is what you are requesting...please forgive my language." She said in the softest voice she could.

"Go ahead, I deserve it."

Bacardi, the mutated German shepherd, sat down and barked.

"Do anything to get this fucker out of my head, please!"

"Unfortunately, if I send him to hell, you will follow him there." The Soul Keeper lady retorted as she walked towards the mirror.

"So I've heard…you can't make him a separate body or some shit because I don't want idiots asking me questions all the time."

"Impossible, all living things are born with a spirit and a mind of their own. Reincarnation is heavily restricted, so we instead implant the mind of the deceased into the most favorable companions for redeeming themselves of past misdeeds. Both minds are kept in sync, to see if both animals will cooperate with each other and help solve their problems together. This method is only done if we can find two animals that have committed similar misjudgments and different personalities to fit the scenario. So technically, Thomas is not a dog at all. His mind is inside your own, Bacardi."

"I am thrilled to hear this…" He retorted.

"Should both of you fail to carry out your orders, you will be immediately escorted to hell for eternal punishment." She responded.

"I'd rather burn in hell for what I've done."

The angel…or keeper began to walk toward me, she crouched down and held Bacardi's muzzle; Her eyes locked with mine.

"What the hell are you doing now?" Bacardi asked furiously.

"This is why I won't send you to hell, there is still some good in you. Your daughter needs you more than ever Thomas, she needs her father."

"Penny?"

"Yes"


End file.
